Saturday, May 4, 2013

Long Time

OK so I fell behind in blogging, alright my live took over and who has time to even write?  I have made a pledge to myself to be more vigilant in devoting time to this creation and I apologize for not writing sooner!
Let's catch up.......the short version please.  My life has taken a very very very different course since my last post, only a few things have stayed constant.  I'm divorced, yes the evil d word (my friends please take your mind out of the gutter).  It was a year ago that I began the process of making the hardest, saddest, and still most challenging decision of my life.  I do have to say that even though my heart, mind and body were telling me that I was making the right decision I still had doubts.  These doubts soon faded away as I came to terms with the decision and the consequences.  I must say that through the darkest, saddest and most humbling moments I did what I thought was best for ME, no one else but ME.  It can be categorized as selfish, however I believe it was self preservation.  I have the fortune of being surrounded by bright, talented, beautiful, hilarious, and amazing people.  These people (all remain nameless) know who they are and how they helped me through a really rough time.  I am grateful for every single encouraging word, every gesture of support, every shoulder I cried on (there were many), every phone call, and above all their love.  Without the love of the people in my life I would have never made it to this point without my head imploding.  With all that being said, I am in a much better place, in a much better relationship. I still struggle every single day to move forward and not forget the past but allow it to rest where it belongs and not dictate the future.

Another huge change is that I did find a job last year exactly at this time.  After months of deliberation with friends, family and mostly myself I took the position of Catering and Private Events manager at the restaurant I waitressed in for four years.  I took that job on with 110% commitment to excel, however from day one I should have ran in the other direction.  I didn't, I stayed and poured my heart, sole and time into making this position work for everyone else, that was my first mistake.  After six months and huge successes I was blindsided when the owners and general manager sat me down to "let me go" because "it wasn't working".  I was crushed, literally I felt like part of my body deflated.  I spent the next weeks, crying, walking around in a daze, spending too much time on the Internet and feeling like a giant failure.  Everyone kept telling me I should enjoy my freedom, but it felt more like a prison.  I still have days were I feel like this, I still spend time dwelling about what I could have done differently.  To be honest this is this is a giant waste of my time and energy. 

Moving on, I took a waitressing job to make money and my hopeful self feverishly looked for a new job.  Weeks of rejection turned into months, then one day I quit my job.  Now I spend my days (again) feverishly looking for jobs.  I've interviewed, networked, prayed, talked to the sky, ran, cried, laughed and here I am without a job.  Honestly, what does it take to find a decent job?  I don't know the answer because one doesn't exist.   Most days I'm depressingly hopeful, some days are optimistic, and a very few days are spent with the covers over my head.  Overall, I still put my faith in the fact that the universe has a plan for me. 

This takes me to "everything happens for a reason".  I am a firm believer that this is true.  Some of my most wonderful life experiences have existed on that principle.  I know that this time in my life has a reason, but that reason is too cloudy for me to see right now.  I do believe in the power of reason but come on show me a glimmer of light to hold my faith!  For many reasons this last year feels like it has taken a small part of my happiness.  I ask my higher power everyday that it gets returned. 
In the end I am happy just not happy with the situation of a finding a meaningful job.  A wise person reminds me that we should strive to work to live and not live to work. I hope that my next job takes to me to that level.  Remember that the universe is good and will return the good if you put it out there.  For now I'm putting it out there.

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