Saturday, May 4, 2013

Long Time

OK so I fell behind in blogging, alright my live took over and who has time to even write?  I have made a pledge to myself to be more vigilant in devoting time to this creation and I apologize for not writing sooner!
Let's catch up.......the short version please.  My life has taken a very very very different course since my last post, only a few things have stayed constant.  I'm divorced, yes the evil d word (my friends please take your mind out of the gutter).  It was a year ago that I began the process of making the hardest, saddest, and still most challenging decision of my life.  I do have to say that even though my heart, mind and body were telling me that I was making the right decision I still had doubts.  These doubts soon faded away as I came to terms with the decision and the consequences.  I must say that through the darkest, saddest and most humbling moments I did what I thought was best for ME, no one else but ME.  It can be categorized as selfish, however I believe it was self preservation.  I have the fortune of being surrounded by bright, talented, beautiful, hilarious, and amazing people.  These people (all remain nameless) know who they are and how they helped me through a really rough time.  I am grateful for every single encouraging word, every gesture of support, every shoulder I cried on (there were many), every phone call, and above all their love.  Without the love of the people in my life I would have never made it to this point without my head imploding.  With all that being said, I am in a much better place, in a much better relationship. I still struggle every single day to move forward and not forget the past but allow it to rest where it belongs and not dictate the future.

Another huge change is that I did find a job last year exactly at this time.  After months of deliberation with friends, family and mostly myself I took the position of Catering and Private Events manager at the restaurant I waitressed in for four years.  I took that job on with 110% commitment to excel, however from day one I should have ran in the other direction.  I didn't, I stayed and poured my heart, sole and time into making this position work for everyone else, that was my first mistake.  After six months and huge successes I was blindsided when the owners and general manager sat me down to "let me go" because "it wasn't working".  I was crushed, literally I felt like part of my body deflated.  I spent the next weeks, crying, walking around in a daze, spending too much time on the Internet and feeling like a giant failure.  Everyone kept telling me I should enjoy my freedom, but it felt more like a prison.  I still have days were I feel like this, I still spend time dwelling about what I could have done differently.  To be honest this is this is a giant waste of my time and energy. 

Moving on, I took a waitressing job to make money and my hopeful self feverishly looked for a new job.  Weeks of rejection turned into months, then one day I quit my job.  Now I spend my days (again) feverishly looking for jobs.  I've interviewed, networked, prayed, talked to the sky, ran, cried, laughed and here I am without a job.  Honestly, what does it take to find a decent job?  I don't know the answer because one doesn't exist.   Most days I'm depressingly hopeful, some days are optimistic, and a very few days are spent with the covers over my head.  Overall, I still put my faith in the fact that the universe has a plan for me. 

This takes me to "everything happens for a reason".  I am a firm believer that this is true.  Some of my most wonderful life experiences have existed on that principle.  I know that this time in my life has a reason, but that reason is too cloudy for me to see right now.  I do believe in the power of reason but come on show me a glimmer of light to hold my faith!  For many reasons this last year feels like it has taken a small part of my happiness.  I ask my higher power everyday that it gets returned. 
In the end I am happy just not happy with the situation of a finding a meaningful job.  A wise person reminds me that we should strive to work to live and not live to work. I hope that my next job takes to me to that level.  Remember that the universe is good and will return the good if you put it out there.  For now I'm putting it out there.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's been awhile

Happy New Year! I have been quite the slacker of this blog. I apologize. A few things have changed for me in the new year. I have committed myself to being a vegan. It was something that I have been battling with for awhile (only in my head). I have been a vegetarian for almost 12 years! A part of me has felt like a faker for still eating eggs and dairy. After viewing this movie it changed a huge part of me. I decided to take my love of healthy food to another level. The worst that could happen was that I didn't like it. Fortunately, I LOVE it! Being a vegan is difficult but I take time to cook healthy, delicious meals for my family. I try to not be judgmental about others food choices. I also try to not push my beliefs about food and health on others.
The second thing that has happened in the new year is I am getting certified to teach Pilates! This is more exciting to me than anything else. I have been in love with Pilates for 6 years. It has been a practice that has challenged me, slimmed me and made me feel better about myself. I can say that I truly enjoy Pilates, it is a challenging exercise that requires you to think about each movement you make, it challenges you to push yourself to be longer and stronger. Can you tell that I am an advocate? I am passionate about exercising, it has been something that has been constant when everything else wasn't. I have put exercising before many things and although some might view that as obsessive, I believe that my health is important and therefore is something I make sacrifices for in order to achieve my goals.
Overall, 2012 has been gratifying and terrifying (still no full-time job) but I am enjoying this time in my life. Never again will my life be in this state. I am thankful for everyday and every challenge. Most of all I am thankful for a new year.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I Am Ready

In one week from today I will be an official college graduate. I never though the day would come nor did I think I would be ready. Am I ready? I can't decide. A large part of me is ready to indulge in finding a job. The other part of me is scared, sad and not ready. My life has not exactly taken the path of least resistance. But am I really ready for the challenge of rejections, constant waitress or worse never finding a job that I love? I am frighten of never finding a job or finding a job that ultimately makes me unhappy. Everyone faces those risks, but I am just not sure that I am up to the challenge. However, I will persevere because that's what I do. I can equate this challenge to running. Exercising and running in particular is very important to me, I look at finding a job like finishing a run. At various times during my runs I might be feeling on top of the world (like I can run another five miles) and others like the end of the world is coming (like going uphill into the wind while a boring song plays), in the end I finish. I am finishing college and will find a job. I might not like the first one or even the second but I am determined to find one that makes me happy at the end of the day.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thank You Pearl Jam

Thank you to my dear friend Andrew Menan for starting this.......

Top 20 Reason's Pearl Jam has influenced my life

20. Listening to Ten for the first time....think I heard Jeremy on Q102
19. Spent my high school years listening to crappy pop band but always coming back to PJ for good music
18. Purchasing No Code at Chester County Music Company (probably with money I earned "working" at Ice Line)
17. Listening to PJ while working at Ice Line....Cliff didn't approve
16. Spent the entire summer listening to No Code, having endless discussions with Andrew about No Code while in Avalon "dating" Chris Mavromates
15. Falling in love with "In my tree" therefore listening to it over and over and over again
14. Going to see PJ with Andrew and my brother and YES i was screaming how hot Eddie was and still is
13. Finally getting our mothers (Judy & Laurie) to attend a concert that wasn't from a 1970's band.....we were so cool and I totally forgot about Peter R. interview :)
12. Being in FL somewhere with my mom and matt and going into a record store and buying 3 live versions of PJ-They all rocked!
11. 2000-Going to Pittsburgh and finding that 2 of my 7 roommates had a love for PJ like me!
10. Saw PJ in Pittsburgh after only being at for 5 days
9. Eddie stopping the show to allow a woman with a sign "WASH" to come on stage. She had been to over a dozen shows with the sign
He brought her on stage and played it to her-I wished to be that person
8. Listening to RVM while running a half marathon
7. Hours spent listening to PJ instead of doing HW
6. Joining the 10 Club
5. Connecting to "Just Breathe"
4. Going to see PJ with my brother on his birthday while the Phillies were in the world series
3. The wonderful moments in life that I can directly connect to PJ's music
2. The feeling I get with I listen to their music
1. All the memories I have created not only because of the music and the band but because I cherish the people who have helped shaped those memories.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Find it Hard to Say

Today is a miserable day in PA, there is misty wet rain and lots of wind. I'm anticipation of graduating I attended a job fair. Honestly, it was a bit terrifying. I prepared my resume, dressed appropriately and my husband sent me reassuring text messages. However, when I arrived I felt nervous and anxious. I waited in a lime green leather chair watching all the people file into Sykes Ballroom before summing courage to enter. One of my biggest fears is that I will be managed or interviewed by someone younger than me and more qualified. Can I say this will feel humbling? Finally, I swallowed the giant lump of pride in my throat and approached the sign-in table. A nice older gentleman handed me a orange folder with a list of employers, asked me to put on a name tag and wished me luck! Before I handed out a few resumes, I took a deep breath and surveyed the room. There were companies I recognized, ones I had no interest in and most I was barely qualified to speak with. In the end I handed out only two resumes. At first I left feeling like a failure, due to the little connection I felt to the event, but after a few hours of reflection I realized this was an exercise. This event was only one of many uncomfortable places that will be part of my future in search of a job. A big part of me wants to just say "oh well, I don't really need to search for a job, one will come to me and in the mean time I will just waitress....." Bad attitude, the number one reason I decided to torture myself and finally get my degree was to GET OUT of the relentless and unforgiving restaurant business. So, with a small event behind me I am more determined to find a job. This might be a long process but I plan to enjoy the journey in order to find something I love.

Monday, October 17, 2011

First Post

Well I had the desire to write a blog for many years, I am finally getting the courage to share my thoughts, recipes and updates with the blog community.

So without much further ado............

Like many people I love school but hate the bureaucracy of group projects. Currently, I am experiencing two very lazy groups in two different classes. Why do teachers feel that group projects somehow simulate "real life" situations? If that were so then most of my members would be fired. I keep chanting to myself less than 8 weeks!